heavy

Every aspect of my life for the past few months has been going through dramatic change. It's an overhaul of my entire system. Everything is changing. And it hurts. The way I've gotten used to thinking and the habits I've created for myself are slowly being stripped away from me. It's the only thing I want, but the hardest thing I could have ever asked for. I feel like God's panning for gold. The shame and regret is slowly fading away. The sting of realizing my faults is becoming less painful and more full of something with weight to it. Before it was an empty and airy sting and now it's a heavy, fulfilling peace. You know when you're cold and you get a tiny little cut or bump your hand on something and it hurts like 10 times worse than if you weren't cold? It only hurts that bad because you're cold. It's really not that bad. This terrible pain was empty. Not to say that what caused the pain wasn't that intense, but that there was no real weight of it. The shame doesn't weigh very much. The peace weighs a lot more. (Just try to pretend the analogy works....i tried ok?) Back to my other awesome analogy– The stuff that's left in God's super magic gold pan is much heavier. Actually, I just found out that gold weighs 19 times more than water...so there. Anyways... what's left, as the shame and sinful wants and wrong thinking and confusion slowly gets sifted out, is the heavy nuggets of clarity and understanding of grace and solid truth. The weight of grace feels so much better than the fake weight of shame.

A paradox

Processing comes through pain. Understanding seems to come from places of confusion and weakness. What a crazy paradox. Knowledge, wisdom, and understanding come from confusion, disorder, and chaos within my head.

Crazy.

Thank you for understanding. Thank you for putting up with my complaining when all you're trying to do is help me understand things more. Thank you for being bigger than I think You are. Thank you for the gospel and laying our sins upon Your Son so that we may live. Thank you for showing me sin. Thank you for faithfully working within me.