Compilations

Every time I blog it takes a lot out of me. There’s a song that comes to mind that says “if I get it all down on paper it’s no longer inside of me threatening the life it belongs to and I feel like I’m naked in front of a crowd cuz these words are my diary screamin out loud and I know that you’ll use them however you want to”. That describes it almost perfectly. It’s finally mostly out of me and just sitting there on my computer screen. It feels good to be off my chest, but all of a sudden brings a shower of insecurity, not for fear of what others think, but it scares me to see that what I write sometimes is true. True enough for me to agree with myself after I write it.

Whenever I feel so incredibly broken and useless and depressed and vulnerable I always seem to have the best music surrounding me. That’s a good thing I guess.

I’ve been thinking about this for a while and it kind of freaks me out when I think about it: I feel like it sounds terribly masochistic to say, but there’s some aspect of pain that I like/enjoy. I’m not saying I just welcome pain and suffering with open arms and am full of joy and butterflies when it comes, but when I’m so broken that I can’t stand up I feel this weird feeling of enjoyment. Maybe enjoyment is not the right word. Maybe I just like feeling and am glad that I’m not numb to feeling. When I seem to be ok it’s almost like brokenness calls to me. Like it’s signaling for me to come back to it. Like I’m not done with it. Those couple of days in a row that I seem to be ok, I’ve been realizing, I still am broken down to the core. It’s not like I’m putting on a face (I guess sometimes I do, but not a whole lot) I really am happy, but underneath everything, even while being truly joyful, I still am the same broken little girl. And broken to the very center of who I am. And how do I know that you ask? Because I have never been so changed in my life and wouldn’t change a thing. This life brings pain. A lot of it. Pain while I’m writing this even. There is only one thing that we people can hold onto: hope that there is more. We are so stuck. No one knows happiness in this world. No one finds contentment or at least true contentment. People ignore the call for more in life and learn to settle for what they don’t want or spend there lives searching for something more.
I found it.
I found what brings true joy and true healing. But it is the hardest thing you will ever do. I’m serious. You have to believe me. I’m begging you to believe me because if you don’t believe me you will live your life like every other Christian who says Praise the Lord on Sundays and is ignoring the pain that this life brings, and who is ultimately bringing more pain into their own lives and others’. By acting like there is no problem and life is just peachy keen all the time is a lie. Please stop lying. If you want to know how bad lying like that to yourself and others effects you, talk to me and I will tell you how bad of a pit I was in due to lying to myself and the result of other people’s lies. And yet God saved that wretched sinner.

I feel like someone is asking themselves why I am so emotional and crazy and keep talking about this brokenness. Like maybe they think I’m just going through a hard time right now and need somewhere to vent. And I shouldn’t be like this. I shouldn’t be so deep and emotional about everything. Well I will tell you that yes things are tough right now in my own head and outside, but like I said earlier I wouldn’t change it for anything. I am so sick of lying and saying everything is fine and pretending to not care when I’m hurt. We are fragile people who hurt. And I am making a commitment to live my life acknowledging pain because if I don’t, things will only get worse for everybody. I have to stop ignoring the pain and reprimanding myself for having feelings. Yes I am an emotional girl, but it is more important to me to please God than to comply to what you (or Christians) thing I should I be. God has me where He wants me right now and that is sitting here in pain. Hurting. It is no fun. I kinda feel like I might be one of the most qualified people to tell you that. Maybe that’s just because I’m experiencing it, but I definitely know what pain feels like. At least this kind of pain. But no matter how much it hurts and how cliché this is, God is with me in this pain. I feel Him comforting me. I feel Him working and making progress and revealing sin and sitting here hurting and bringing things to mind. Please don’t try to tell me that I shouldn’t be like this and God wants a joyful heart and doesn’t want me to be depressed all the time. I AM joyful! So joyful! And it’s true joy. And you’re wrong. I know He wants me here. He wants me on my face at His feet, crying because I’m scared of my sin, trembling from feeling unworthy, sitting in loneliness, brain spinning from anxiety, angry at myself for the past and continual struggling. He wants me like that because then, and only then do I truly know what feeling completely hopeless and broken down means. Only then, when I have nothing left, nothing or no one to live for, can’t even live in my own head, will He be the only one left. And that’s when, as counterproductive as it sounds, He heals. It’s more like breaking, resetting, and then watching the broken bones grow together into something more functional and amazing that before.

“Let the bones that you have broken rejoice” oh Lord. Keep going despite my complaining God. Thank you Lord for giving me this joy that I don’t even know what to do with. This joy that is sometimes hidden by sorrow and grief, but is at the root of my being. This joy is not some cheap momentary feeling, and it definitely wasn’t a cheap sacrifice. Thank you Jesus. Please help me stay strong despite the feelings of loneliness and insecurity. Let your light and peace come and dwell inside my body. God, you know that I feel alone. Thank you for just knowing. For being that powerful that you just know things like that. Please help me, for I am so shallow and weak. “O Lord, open my lips, and my mouth will declare your praise”.



I was right. Now I feel empty and scared.