The Wilderness

I know what You’re saying, but I can’t hear You saying it.

I can’t hear You because You aren’t alone in Your spot. It’s like I keep a spot open next to You to put whoever or whatever in there with You. You let me fall down to show me how far down You were on my list. You are silent when somebody else is taking Your place. You seem distant when I don’t spend time with You. You want and need to be glorified and I don’t even know what that means, but please take what I have. Take my small desire to love You with everything. It’s not as big as I want it to be, but it’s what I have to give.

“Therefore I will hedge up her way with thorns, and I will build a wall against her, so that she cannot find her paths.
She shall pursue her lovers but not overtake them, and she shall seek them but shall not find them.
Then she shall say, ‘I will go and return to my first husband, for it was better for me then than now.’
And she did not know that it was I who gave he the grain, the wine, and the oil, and who lavished on her silver and gold which they used for Baal.
Therefore I will take back my grain in its time, and my wine in its season, and I will take away my wool and my flax, which were to cover her nakedness.
Now I will uncover her lewdness in the sight of her lovers, and no one shall rescue her out of my hand.
And I will put an end to all her mirth, her feasts, her new moons, he Sabbaths, and all her appointed feasts.
And I will lay waste her vines and her fig trees, of which she said, ‘These are my wages, which my lovers have given me.’ I will make them a forest, and the beasts of the field shall devour them.
And I will punish her for the feast of days of the Baals when she burned her offerings to them and adorned herself with her ring and jewelry, and went after her lovers and forgot me, declares the Lord.
Therefore, behold, I will allure her, and bring her into the wilderness, and speak tenderly to her.
And there I will give her her vineyards and make the Valley of Anchor a door of hope. And there she shall answer as in the days of her youth, as at the time when she came out of the land of Egypt.
And in the day, declares the Lord, you will all me ‘My Husband,” and no longer will you call me “My Baal.” For I will remove the names of the Baals from her mouth, and they shall be remembered by name no more. And I will make for them a covenant on that day with the beasts of the field, the birds of the heavens, and the creeping things of the ground. And I will abolish the bow, the sword, and war from the lands, and I will make you lie down in safety. And I will betroth you to me forever. I will betroth you to me in righteousness and in justice, in steadfast love and in mercy. I will betroth you to me in faithfulness. And you shall know the Lord.
And in that day I will answer, declares the Lord, I will answer the heavens, and they shall answer the earth,
And the earth shall answer the grain, the wine, and the oil, and they shall answer Jezreel, and I will sow her for myself in the land. And I will have mercy on No Mercy, and I will say to Not My People, ‘You are my people’; and he shall say, ‘You are my God.’”
Hosea 2:6-23

I’m alone here. There is not one person I find comfort in. You showed me that today. I’ve been feeling alone for a while now, but now I think I know what You’re trying to show me, I just wish I could hear You saying it.

You need to be the only one.

I have no idea how to do that. You break me down and all I have is You, but as soon as I’m ok I go back to finding others to share Your spot. I blame You for not being as present because I don’t know who else to blame. God, make You first. I cannot do it. With everything in me right now I don’t have enough strength to put You up there and keep You there. My spirit is willing, but my flesh is so weak. Please keep me in the wilderness. Please God. I have no hope for the future. Please be my hope. The curse of doubt plagues me. Have mercy on me please. You have shown me nothing but mercy. Heal this broken heart.