Prepare yourself. This one's pretty deep.
It seems like everyday gets more and more disappointing. I'm just waiting for more bad things to happen and more people to let me down. As a young adult I am watching the world fall apart. People are more depressed, hopeless, and heartless than before. I don't know if it is me just growing up or if the world really is getting worse, but it seems that everyday is just a growing pile of disappointment. I feel disconnected from loved ones, detached from everything around me, and an incredible sense that I don't belong, here or anywhere. My biggest fear in the world (and I probably share this with most other women in the world) is being alone, whether physically or in like-mindedness. And that is exactly how I feel. Even right this second the only other person at my table just got up from the table and left. All of this brings a huge flood of insecurities and questions through my brain. Why can't I connect with the people I used to be able to connect with? Why do I feel like there is no place that I feel like I'm alright being me? I don't even know who I am anyways for that matter. Will I ever not be alone or at least be ok with being alone? What's wrong with me? And why does it seem that everything is falling apart around me and I feel so helpless? Why was I hurt so deeply by church people so many times? Why was I not chosen? Why were we hated for so long? Why am I still hurt? Why doesn't it stop? Why are my grandparents getting older and sicker and don't care what happens to them when they die? Why are my friends struggling in their jobs and school and marriages? Why are the people closest to me not able to pay bills when others have their lives paid for and are content with not caring about anyone else? Why is the younger person closest to me struggling and alone and doesn't feel that she can talk to anyone and no one cares? Why am I sitting around youth who have experienced more pain in their lives than imaginable and they are struggling through the hell of high school alone? Why does it seem that every smile is forced and every good day is only a momentary feeling and will soon leave? Not just me, but everybody else too. Or is it just me?
Please don't try to tell me that God is in control and I'm not alone because I know that. I've been told that all my life, but that doesn't mean I understand. Just let me feel and I'll understand when it's time.
"Starlight" The Wailin' Jennys
I have come back to you broken
take me home
And my body bears this trouble
take me home
Take me back to my beginning
Before the hell of night set in
And I came to this border
take me home
I have toured the endless starlight
take me home
I have shattered under midnight
take me home
There are no vultures in this clearing
Except the ones who brought me here
And I'll no longer feed them
take me home
Kingdom come, their will was done
And now the earth is far away
from any kind of heaven
Hallowed be these frozen fields
And every single one of us
still left in want of mercy
Take us home
Now the bells stand still and hollow
take me home
And no one has come to mourn me
take me home
Find me where I close my eyes
Beneath this sky of power lines
And let me see us clearly
take me home
Kingdom come, their will was done
And now the earth is far away
from any kind of heaven
Hallowed be these frozen fields
And every single one of us
Still left in want of mercy
Take us home
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Okay well first of all I just love you for being you no matter what you think! Second of all this is my favorite song from this band! I totally identify with it on many levels. Finally, Danica...life sucks! Truly life here on earth sucks. The way I look at it most of the time is that I am playing a treasure hunting game and trying to find what good, positive, joyful, happy, wonderful, thing, person,situations, etc. there is to make me feel that everything will be okay. I too know that GOD is in control and I am so glad for that becasue if it were up to me, this palce would be worse off than it already is! SERIOUSLY! I am grateful that I know where my life, fate, after-life, whatever lies. That at times is the only thing that gives me comfort. I hate empathy but I also delight in it. I think maybe that's why you hurt so much! At least that's why I think I do. I just take everyone's, everything's problems in and feel them for them and then get so depressed or upset. At times I just wish God created a valve for me to switch off so that I didn't ahve to care. But at the same time I feel that by empathizing with people and feeling what they do (or thinking I feel what they do or whatever) that it makes me relate and it better equips me to serve them in whatever way I am suppose to. That could be an encouraging note, gift, prayer, or just a nod while I'm listening to them vent suggesting that I get it! As for young people and going through their own hell at such a young age, I seem to think that we are all dealt a unique hand and it's what we do with that hand is what shows the world who we really are. I actually am glad I have had a crappier than crappy life! At the time it totally sucked and I wouldn't wish those things or even the things I go through now on anyone! We all ahve our hidden issues, but it's how you view those issues. I love reading the book of JOB! I am goign through it right now, and soemtimes I read and think, "what the hell are you doing JOB?" Seriously, how can he be so faithful! I would have tucked tail and probalay ran kicking and screaming and telling everyone how GOD is being so horrible to me. And JOB does but in a way that makes me really check myself. I guess when things get real crappie I just take myself to a place where I know I woul dnot want to be. Everyone ahs their own ugly palce that makes them really evaluate how bad they have it. I know that things suck and people you love and care for are hurting, but you ahve to know that they will be okay in the end. Soemtimes this is the only thing that I can have hope or faith in. And as far as church people....WHATEVER! Hypocrites, ugliness, and sin is everywhere even in the church. Unfortuantely you learned this at an early age and are ahving to deal with it at maybe a time when you aren't ready to yet. Sometimes, ugly, bad, horrible feelings need to be revisited at a later date. And for anyone who says different, I will argue that many years of therapy has taught me that soemtimes we just aren't ready to deal with it! Okay so my typo's are horrible and I don't feel like going back and correcting them and my grammar is bad and I ahve bad sentence structure and blah blah blah.... Love you Girl! Hang in there! Email me anytime!
ReplyDeleteHeather
I hear you. I feel you. I love you. I wish I could help restore your faith in people, but I kinda feel the same way. =( I know in my head that things, life, circumstances are bound to ebb and flow, I just wish at this point it was more of the flow and less of the ebb. I know there are still good things left, its just hard to feel that way.
ReplyDelete