Reaching

Brokenness is home for me. I am finding comfort in being completely desperate for God. Peace is foreign and terrifying. The fear of apathy and boredom scares me. Every part of me wants to be a new person, but I have this fear that is building a wall in front of me that I can’t figure out. It’s almost like there is already a wall blocking me from figuring this thing out. I feel like I’m reaching for truth and understanding and just not finding anything to grab a hold of. I’m finally at a point where I can live life and not be an emotional wreck all the time. I asked for that, but it makes me so scared that because the emotions have worn off (just a little bit, they are still there sometimes) I will just fall back into what I used to be– reaching and never finding, but giving up because it’s too hard. I can’t do that. I don’t want to do that, but I am so weak underneath everything that I can’t even trust myself. So I must trust in God, but it is so incredibly difficult. It’s even hard to talk about because it is so close to home. I mention trusting God and I feel like I’m being stabbed.

Lord, help me. I am desperate for your truth. I feel completely alone and I can’t even feel You. Unite my heart to fear your name. Gladden the soul of your servant. Make me to know your ways. Help me understand or at least trust that You understand.