Kicked in the face

Life is kicking me in the face. Reality is setting in again. Seeing failure and weakness is constant. The depth of my frailty shocks me yet again. Life is been thrown in my direction and I'm sitting in the midst of a huge pile of myself–the same self that doesn't know what the heck is going on. I've been deceived, probably by myself.

I try to think it would be easier to just ignore my need and try to keep living a life of trying to earn approval and doing the right things, but I can't. The deep longing to use my life for something bigger wont shut up. It wont stop. I don't have a choice at this point in time. But I'd choose this something more over anything else.

Transformation. It will only come out of recognizing the sinful state of my heart.

That is all I see Lord, but don't take it away. Do this work in me. Be that fire that warms the body. Let me come so close that Your qualities rub off on me. That Your life becomes my life.

Justified

I feel like I'm waiting to be justified in my pain. Like maybe someday someone will tell me that life really is this painful and I'm not a crazy person who blows things out of proportion.

On another note, it's weird to all of a sudden not want that attention that I wanted so badly before. I kinda don't want to share my feelings with everybody. I went from the extreme of being willing to share with anybody because I felt so needy and now I really don't want to hang out with people (just for the night) and I don't want to discuss things (just for the night as well). Weird for me....

And, frisbee always brings out my issues. I feel extremely vulnerable and uncomfortable, and then things start to surface. I have a feeling frisbee will be a healing activity for me.

Let Down

Prepare yourself. This one's pretty deep.

It seems like everyday gets more and more disappointing. I'm just waiting for more bad things to happen and more people to let me down. As a young adult I am watching the world fall apart. People are more depressed, hopeless, and heartless than before. I don't know if it is me just growing up or if the world really is getting worse, but it seems that everyday is just a growing pile of disappointment. I feel disconnected from loved ones, detached from everything around me, and an incredible sense that I don't belong, here or anywhere. My biggest fear in the world (and I probably share this with most other women in the world) is being alone, whether physically or in like-mindedness. And that is exactly how I feel. Even right this second the only other person at my table just got up from the table and left. All of this brings a huge flood of insecurities and questions through my brain. Why can't I connect with the people I used to be able to connect with? Why do I feel like there is no place that I feel like I'm alright being me? I don't even know who I am anyways for that matter. Will I ever not be alone or at least be ok with being alone? What's wrong with me? And why does it seem that everything is falling apart around me and I feel so helpless? Why was I hurt so deeply by church people so many times? Why was I not chosen? Why were we hated for so long? Why am I still hurt? Why doesn't it stop? Why are my grandparents getting older and sicker and don't care what happens to them when they die? Why are my friends struggling in their jobs and school and marriages? Why are the people closest to me not able to pay bills when others have their lives paid for and are content with not caring about anyone else? Why is the younger person closest to me struggling and alone and doesn't feel that she can talk to anyone and no one cares? Why am I sitting around youth who have experienced more pain in their lives than imaginable and they are struggling through the hell of high school alone? Why does it seem that every smile is forced and every good day is only a momentary feeling and will soon leave? Not just me, but everybody else too. Or is it just me?

Please don't try to tell me that God is in control and I'm not alone because I know that. I've been told that all my life, but that doesn't mean I understand. Just let me feel and I'll understand when it's time.

"Starlight" The Wailin' Jennys

I have come back to you broken
take me home
And my body bears this trouble
take me home
Take me back to my beginning
Before the hell of night set in
And I came to this border
take me home

I have toured the endless starlight
take me home
I have shattered under midnight
take me home
There are no vultures in this clearing
Except the ones who brought me here
And I'll no longer feed them
take me home

Kingdom come, their will was done
And now the earth is far away
from any kind of heaven
Hallowed be these frozen fields
And every single one of us
still left in want of mercy
Take us home

Now the bells stand still and hollow
take me home
And no one has come to mourn me
take me home
Find me where I close my eyes
Beneath this sky of power lines
And let me see us clearly
take me home

Kingdom come, their will was done
And now the earth is far away
from any kind of heaven
Hallowed be these frozen fields
And every single one of us
Still left in want of mercy
Take us home

The Wilderness

I know what You’re saying, but I can’t hear You saying it.

I can’t hear You because You aren’t alone in Your spot. It’s like I keep a spot open next to You to put whoever or whatever in there with You. You let me fall down to show me how far down You were on my list. You are silent when somebody else is taking Your place. You seem distant when I don’t spend time with You. You want and need to be glorified and I don’t even know what that means, but please take what I have. Take my small desire to love You with everything. It’s not as big as I want it to be, but it’s what I have to give.

“Therefore I will hedge up her way with thorns, and I will build a wall against her, so that she cannot find her paths.
She shall pursue her lovers but not overtake them, and she shall seek them but shall not find them.
Then she shall say, ‘I will go and return to my first husband, for it was better for me then than now.’
And she did not know that it was I who gave he the grain, the wine, and the oil, and who lavished on her silver and gold which they used for Baal.
Therefore I will take back my grain in its time, and my wine in its season, and I will take away my wool and my flax, which were to cover her nakedness.
Now I will uncover her lewdness in the sight of her lovers, and no one shall rescue her out of my hand.
And I will put an end to all her mirth, her feasts, her new moons, he Sabbaths, and all her appointed feasts.
And I will lay waste her vines and her fig trees, of which she said, ‘These are my wages, which my lovers have given me.’ I will make them a forest, and the beasts of the field shall devour them.
And I will punish her for the feast of days of the Baals when she burned her offerings to them and adorned herself with her ring and jewelry, and went after her lovers and forgot me, declares the Lord.
Therefore, behold, I will allure her, and bring her into the wilderness, and speak tenderly to her.
And there I will give her her vineyards and make the Valley of Anchor a door of hope. And there she shall answer as in the days of her youth, as at the time when she came out of the land of Egypt.
And in the day, declares the Lord, you will all me ‘My Husband,” and no longer will you call me “My Baal.” For I will remove the names of the Baals from her mouth, and they shall be remembered by name no more. And I will make for them a covenant on that day with the beasts of the field, the birds of the heavens, and the creeping things of the ground. And I will abolish the bow, the sword, and war from the lands, and I will make you lie down in safety. And I will betroth you to me forever. I will betroth you to me in righteousness and in justice, in steadfast love and in mercy. I will betroth you to me in faithfulness. And you shall know the Lord.
And in that day I will answer, declares the Lord, I will answer the heavens, and they shall answer the earth,
And the earth shall answer the grain, the wine, and the oil, and they shall answer Jezreel, and I will sow her for myself in the land. And I will have mercy on No Mercy, and I will say to Not My People, ‘You are my people’; and he shall say, ‘You are my God.’”
Hosea 2:6-23

I’m alone here. There is not one person I find comfort in. You showed me that today. I’ve been feeling alone for a while now, but now I think I know what You’re trying to show me, I just wish I could hear You saying it.

You need to be the only one.

I have no idea how to do that. You break me down and all I have is You, but as soon as I’m ok I go back to finding others to share Your spot. I blame You for not being as present because I don’t know who else to blame. God, make You first. I cannot do it. With everything in me right now I don’t have enough strength to put You up there and keep You there. My spirit is willing, but my flesh is so weak. Please keep me in the wilderness. Please God. I have no hope for the future. Please be my hope. The curse of doubt plagues me. Have mercy on me please. You have shown me nothing but mercy. Heal this broken heart.

Reaching

Brokenness is home for me. I am finding comfort in being completely desperate for God. Peace is foreign and terrifying. The fear of apathy and boredom scares me. Every part of me wants to be a new person, but I have this fear that is building a wall in front of me that I can’t figure out. It’s almost like there is already a wall blocking me from figuring this thing out. I feel like I’m reaching for truth and understanding and just not finding anything to grab a hold of. I’m finally at a point where I can live life and not be an emotional wreck all the time. I asked for that, but it makes me so scared that because the emotions have worn off (just a little bit, they are still there sometimes) I will just fall back into what I used to be– reaching and never finding, but giving up because it’s too hard. I can’t do that. I don’t want to do that, but I am so weak underneath everything that I can’t even trust myself. So I must trust in God, but it is so incredibly difficult. It’s even hard to talk about because it is so close to home. I mention trusting God and I feel like I’m being stabbed.

Lord, help me. I am desperate for your truth. I feel completely alone and I can’t even feel You. Unite my heart to fear your name. Gladden the soul of your servant. Make me to know your ways. Help me understand or at least trust that You understand.

Compilations

Every time I blog it takes a lot out of me. There’s a song that comes to mind that says “if I get it all down on paper it’s no longer inside of me threatening the life it belongs to and I feel like I’m naked in front of a crowd cuz these words are my diary screamin out loud and I know that you’ll use them however you want to”. That describes it almost perfectly. It’s finally mostly out of me and just sitting there on my computer screen. It feels good to be off my chest, but all of a sudden brings a shower of insecurity, not for fear of what others think, but it scares me to see that what I write sometimes is true. True enough for me to agree with myself after I write it.

Whenever I feel so incredibly broken and useless and depressed and vulnerable I always seem to have the best music surrounding me. That’s a good thing I guess.

I’ve been thinking about this for a while and it kind of freaks me out when I think about it: I feel like it sounds terribly masochistic to say, but there’s some aspect of pain that I like/enjoy. I’m not saying I just welcome pain and suffering with open arms and am full of joy and butterflies when it comes, but when I’m so broken that I can’t stand up I feel this weird feeling of enjoyment. Maybe enjoyment is not the right word. Maybe I just like feeling and am glad that I’m not numb to feeling. When I seem to be ok it’s almost like brokenness calls to me. Like it’s signaling for me to come back to it. Like I’m not done with it. Those couple of days in a row that I seem to be ok, I’ve been realizing, I still am broken down to the core. It’s not like I’m putting on a face (I guess sometimes I do, but not a whole lot) I really am happy, but underneath everything, even while being truly joyful, I still am the same broken little girl. And broken to the very center of who I am. And how do I know that you ask? Because I have never been so changed in my life and wouldn’t change a thing. This life brings pain. A lot of it. Pain while I’m writing this even. There is only one thing that we people can hold onto: hope that there is more. We are so stuck. No one knows happiness in this world. No one finds contentment or at least true contentment. People ignore the call for more in life and learn to settle for what they don’t want or spend there lives searching for something more.
I found it.
I found what brings true joy and true healing. But it is the hardest thing you will ever do. I’m serious. You have to believe me. I’m begging you to believe me because if you don’t believe me you will live your life like every other Christian who says Praise the Lord on Sundays and is ignoring the pain that this life brings, and who is ultimately bringing more pain into their own lives and others’. By acting like there is no problem and life is just peachy keen all the time is a lie. Please stop lying. If you want to know how bad lying like that to yourself and others effects you, talk to me and I will tell you how bad of a pit I was in due to lying to myself and the result of other people’s lies. And yet God saved that wretched sinner.

I feel like someone is asking themselves why I am so emotional and crazy and keep talking about this brokenness. Like maybe they think I’m just going through a hard time right now and need somewhere to vent. And I shouldn’t be like this. I shouldn’t be so deep and emotional about everything. Well I will tell you that yes things are tough right now in my own head and outside, but like I said earlier I wouldn’t change it for anything. I am so sick of lying and saying everything is fine and pretending to not care when I’m hurt. We are fragile people who hurt. And I am making a commitment to live my life acknowledging pain because if I don’t, things will only get worse for everybody. I have to stop ignoring the pain and reprimanding myself for having feelings. Yes I am an emotional girl, but it is more important to me to please God than to comply to what you (or Christians) thing I should I be. God has me where He wants me right now and that is sitting here in pain. Hurting. It is no fun. I kinda feel like I might be one of the most qualified people to tell you that. Maybe that’s just because I’m experiencing it, but I definitely know what pain feels like. At least this kind of pain. But no matter how much it hurts and how cliché this is, God is with me in this pain. I feel Him comforting me. I feel Him working and making progress and revealing sin and sitting here hurting and bringing things to mind. Please don’t try to tell me that I shouldn’t be like this and God wants a joyful heart and doesn’t want me to be depressed all the time. I AM joyful! So joyful! And it’s true joy. And you’re wrong. I know He wants me here. He wants me on my face at His feet, crying because I’m scared of my sin, trembling from feeling unworthy, sitting in loneliness, brain spinning from anxiety, angry at myself for the past and continual struggling. He wants me like that because then, and only then do I truly know what feeling completely hopeless and broken down means. Only then, when I have nothing left, nothing or no one to live for, can’t even live in my own head, will He be the only one left. And that’s when, as counterproductive as it sounds, He heals. It’s more like breaking, resetting, and then watching the broken bones grow together into something more functional and amazing that before.

“Let the bones that you have broken rejoice” oh Lord. Keep going despite my complaining God. Thank you Lord for giving me this joy that I don’t even know what to do with. This joy that is sometimes hidden by sorrow and grief, but is at the root of my being. This joy is not some cheap momentary feeling, and it definitely wasn’t a cheap sacrifice. Thank you Jesus. Please help me stay strong despite the feelings of loneliness and insecurity. Let your light and peace come and dwell inside my body. God, you know that I feel alone. Thank you for just knowing. For being that powerful that you just know things like that. Please help me, for I am so shallow and weak. “O Lord, open my lips, and my mouth will declare your praise”.



I was right. Now I feel empty and scared.

heavy

Every aspect of my life for the past few months has been going through dramatic change. It's an overhaul of my entire system. Everything is changing. And it hurts. The way I've gotten used to thinking and the habits I've created for myself are slowly being stripped away from me. It's the only thing I want, but the hardest thing I could have ever asked for. I feel like God's panning for gold. The shame and regret is slowly fading away. The sting of realizing my faults is becoming less painful and more full of something with weight to it. Before it was an empty and airy sting and now it's a heavy, fulfilling peace. You know when you're cold and you get a tiny little cut or bump your hand on something and it hurts like 10 times worse than if you weren't cold? It only hurts that bad because you're cold. It's really not that bad. This terrible pain was empty. Not to say that what caused the pain wasn't that intense, but that there was no real weight of it. The shame doesn't weigh very much. The peace weighs a lot more. (Just try to pretend the analogy works....i tried ok?) Back to my other awesome analogy– The stuff that's left in God's super magic gold pan is much heavier. Actually, I just found out that gold weighs 19 times more than water...so there. Anyways... what's left, as the shame and sinful wants and wrong thinking and confusion slowly gets sifted out, is the heavy nuggets of clarity and understanding of grace and solid truth. The weight of grace feels so much better than the fake weight of shame.