A loss.

Weird feeling- missing my therapist. I feel slightly pathetic for missing this person I know nothing about, but she does know a lot about me. I will be leaving for summer, but she is moving to another place in July so I wont be able to continue therapy with her when I get back. I really connected with her and felt heard by her. I have shared more with her than I have with everyone else combined. She has really helped me understand what I'm feeling and how I'm processing life. And now she's just out there somewhere in the sea of people in the world, knowing the most intimate details of my thinking, just going on with life like everyone else. I feel exposed. I feel opened up and the person trying to sew me back up is leaving me. That one person who would just listen and help me clarify and not tell me how I should be thinking (I do that enough myself), but be there for me to just tell absolutely everything to is gone now. I feel like I'm mourning a loss.

There's my emo rant for this evening.

Jars Of Clay--Frail

Convinced of my deception
I've always been a fool
I fear this love reaction
Just like you said I would

A rose could never lie
About the love it brings
And I could never promise
To be any of those things

If I was not so weak
If I was not so cold
If I was not so scared of being broken
Growing old
I would be...
I would be...
I would be...

Blessed are the shallow
Depth they'll never find
Seems to be some comfort
In rooms I try to hide

Exposed beyond the shadows
You take the cup from me
Your dirt removes my blindness
Your pain becomes my peace

If I was not so weak
If I was not so cold
If I was not so scared of being broken
Growing old
I would be...
I would be...
I would be...

...frail



I fear this love reaction. I can't understand why.

Wait child

When am I ready? As I said last post, I feel like a child. Well right now I really feel like a child because I'm getting really excited and eager to go do something crazy for the Lord, but there are so many questions and conflicting ideas in my head about it. So let me try to process... you're welcome to join me if you'd like. Just a fair warning– this is gonna be messy.

I am called to serve the Lord which quite possibly means in another country. He has given me a passion for culture and learning about different countries. I have a strong desire to explore the world, and lately I have been thinking a lot about India. God has called His children to go to the ends of the earth and proclaim His name. I want to do that. I want to help meet people's needs both spiritually and physically. I want to come to people and share the love of Christ with them, help them find a job, give them food, help them build a church, disciple them, watch their kids for them, invest in their lives.

But.... I'm only 19 years old. I've only just recently started to really follow God with every part of me. Am I ready? Shouldn't I wait until I have a little more experience in this whole following God completely thing? I'm too weak. I couldn't handle it.

But... God's ways are not my ways. He knows when is best. And when will I ever been completely ready anyways? And what better time to go than now in college? Who says I can't go? Who says I shouldn't even consider praying about it and possibly pursuing it? Who says God can't use me? Who says God wont use me?

But... I feel like I'm just an excited kid who has no idea what she's getting herself into. I'm just all excited about doing something for God, but I'm gonna feel like I got hit by a truck when reality hits.

But... If I don't do something now, I'm just gonna keep telling myself that I'm not ready and never actually do anything. What a better time than this? I don't want to just wait until I'm so critical that I'll never do anything. God has put this in my life and these desires in my heart for a purpose.

But... Maybe God doesn't want to use me in the mission field. Maybe He has me here. Maybe this is an exercise in self-control and listening to God.

Exactly, Danica.

Oh...

I will wait. I will seek God. I will eagerly anticipate His voice.

I will wait for You. Please be blatantly obvious with me because I'm not very good at picking up subtle cues. Bring clarity and rest to my mind. I want to follow You and do what You want me to do, but please help me not to worship what You'll have me do rather than worship You. I want to seek You and then obey out of that, not the other way around. But I will obey You. You are faithful. "Therefore, if anyone cleanses himself from what is dishonorable, he will be a vessel for honorable use, set apart as holy, useful to the master of the house, ready for every good work." 2 Timothy 2:21. God You have saved me from what is dishonorable and I am set apart as holy. Use me Lord. Send me Lord!
Your kingdom come. Your will be done.

A break from the madness

Well I am dreadfully tired of writing my 8-page history paper on Jane Addams so I'm gonna take break and share something I've been thinking about lately and was reminded of this morning. If I sound funny, it's cuz I'm in essay writing mode so excuse my funny writing.

I recently turned another year older and that question that you get asked by your grandparents has been following me a lot lately. Do you feel a year older? No. I don't actually. I feel younger. I feel like a child. I am a child. Sure, I feel physically like a young adult and don't have the energy of child, but I have a new energy and audacity these past few months. In some ways I feel like I've been forced to grow up, but in other ways it's as if my mental aging reversed and I am a child again. In the past I've built myself up to thinking I was "spiritually" a lot older than I am. I completely convinced myself that I was one of the mature ones, never doing anything bad and always following God with every part of my life. I used my positions and accomplishments to boost my confidence and pride in myself and trained myself to think that way–as if I was better than my peers. That mindset has affected so many areas of my life and, although I still struggle with it, recognizing that I was lying to myself has forced me to see who I really am. And I don't really like who I really am and who I've made myself to be. I kinda want to start over. God said yes.

Actually He initiated it. I guess recognizing, or Him making me recognize, that I am but a child is the first step to growth. Maybe this is the only way to truly grow. By acknowledging my junk and sin and accepting reality. One of my professors said, "Reality is what you run into when what you believe is false." I believed falsely and now I have opportunity to seek truth. And I am liberated by truth. And this is point in my blog where I stand up in the middle of campus and yell "I'M FREE!!!"

Deliver

Heavenly Father
You always amaze me
Let your kingdom come
In my world and in my life
You give me the food I need
To live through the day
And forgive me as I forgive
The people that wronged me
Lead me far from temptation
Deliver me from the evil one

I look out the window
The birds are composing
Not a note is out of tune
Or out of place
I look at the meadow
And stare at the flowers
Better dressed than any girl
On her wedding day

So why do I worry?
Why do I freak out?
God knows what I need
You know what I need

Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong

The kingdom of the heavens
Is now advancing
Invade my heart
Invade this broken town
The kingdom of the heavens
Is buried treasure
Will you sell yourself
To buy the one you've found?

Two things you told me
That you are strong
And you love me
Yes, you love me

Our God in heaven
Hallowed be
Thy name above all names
Your kingdom come
Your will be done
On earth as it is in heaven
Give us today our daily bread
Forgive us wicked sinners
Lead us far away from our vices
And deliver us from these prisons


Deliver me from this prison.

"Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope is God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God."
Psalm 42:5

Loneliness

I am a human. I need people around me. I was made for living in community with others.

I am an introvert. I enjoy spending time alone. I was made to get my energy from being alone.

Balance?


When is it to the point of hanging out with people because you need them and hanging out with people because you need them? (I understand that that sentence doesn't make any sense). When am I hanging out with people because I feel that I need to hang out with them or have their approval or be with them constantly? And when is hanging out with them a healthy expression of living in community where hanging out is beneficial, but not absolutely necessary with that person?

I can't seem to find balance and am lonely. I don't want people to just feel sorry for me, that's not why I'm writing this. I'm writing because I need to just sit and type it all out and maybe someone will have some good advice or maybe just some clear words because there isn't even one speck of clarity in my head right now.

Faithful

Thank you for being so crazy faithful all the time. Thank you for answering my prayers and showing me how to love You more. Thank you for beautiful days. Thank you that we need the rest Your provide and can go sit outside and just be and live in Your creation. Thank you for having control. Thank you for grace and working with me even when I fail You. Thank you for never changing and loving me the same all the time. Thank you for life and that every detail of blessing is thought out and given to me because You love me. Thank you for opportunity and influence. Thank you for being so thoughtful in how You show me Your love. Thank you for Your goodness and that You are both just and merciful. Thank you for choosing me.

Jon Foreman- Equally Skilled