Kicked in the face

Life is kicking me in the face. Reality is setting in again. Seeing failure and weakness is constant. The depth of my frailty shocks me yet again. Life is been thrown in my direction and I'm sitting in the midst of a huge pile of myself–the same self that doesn't know what the heck is going on. I've been deceived, probably by myself.

I try to think it would be easier to just ignore my need and try to keep living a life of trying to earn approval and doing the right things, but I can't. The deep longing to use my life for something bigger wont shut up. It wont stop. I don't have a choice at this point in time. But I'd choose this something more over anything else.

Transformation. It will only come out of recognizing the sinful state of my heart.

That is all I see Lord, but don't take it away. Do this work in me. Be that fire that warms the body. Let me come so close that Your qualities rub off on me. That Your life becomes my life.

Justified

I feel like I'm waiting to be justified in my pain. Like maybe someday someone will tell me that life really is this painful and I'm not a crazy person who blows things out of proportion.

On another note, it's weird to all of a sudden not want that attention that I wanted so badly before. I kinda don't want to share my feelings with everybody. I went from the extreme of being willing to share with anybody because I felt so needy and now I really don't want to hang out with people (just for the night) and I don't want to discuss things (just for the night as well). Weird for me....

And, frisbee always brings out my issues. I feel extremely vulnerable and uncomfortable, and then things start to surface. I have a feeling frisbee will be a healing activity for me.

Let Down

Prepare yourself. This one's pretty deep.

It seems like everyday gets more and more disappointing. I'm just waiting for more bad things to happen and more people to let me down. As a young adult I am watching the world fall apart. People are more depressed, hopeless, and heartless than before. I don't know if it is me just growing up or if the world really is getting worse, but it seems that everyday is just a growing pile of disappointment. I feel disconnected from loved ones, detached from everything around me, and an incredible sense that I don't belong, here or anywhere. My biggest fear in the world (and I probably share this with most other women in the world) is being alone, whether physically or in like-mindedness. And that is exactly how I feel. Even right this second the only other person at my table just got up from the table and left. All of this brings a huge flood of insecurities and questions through my brain. Why can't I connect with the people I used to be able to connect with? Why do I feel like there is no place that I feel like I'm alright being me? I don't even know who I am anyways for that matter. Will I ever not be alone or at least be ok with being alone? What's wrong with me? And why does it seem that everything is falling apart around me and I feel so helpless? Why was I hurt so deeply by church people so many times? Why was I not chosen? Why were we hated for so long? Why am I still hurt? Why doesn't it stop? Why are my grandparents getting older and sicker and don't care what happens to them when they die? Why are my friends struggling in their jobs and school and marriages? Why are the people closest to me not able to pay bills when others have their lives paid for and are content with not caring about anyone else? Why is the younger person closest to me struggling and alone and doesn't feel that she can talk to anyone and no one cares? Why am I sitting around youth who have experienced more pain in their lives than imaginable and they are struggling through the hell of high school alone? Why does it seem that every smile is forced and every good day is only a momentary feeling and will soon leave? Not just me, but everybody else too. Or is it just me?

Please don't try to tell me that God is in control and I'm not alone because I know that. I've been told that all my life, but that doesn't mean I understand. Just let me feel and I'll understand when it's time.

"Starlight" The Wailin' Jennys

I have come back to you broken
take me home
And my body bears this trouble
take me home
Take me back to my beginning
Before the hell of night set in
And I came to this border
take me home

I have toured the endless starlight
take me home
I have shattered under midnight
take me home
There are no vultures in this clearing
Except the ones who brought me here
And I'll no longer feed them
take me home

Kingdom come, their will was done
And now the earth is far away
from any kind of heaven
Hallowed be these frozen fields
And every single one of us
still left in want of mercy
Take us home

Now the bells stand still and hollow
take me home
And no one has come to mourn me
take me home
Find me where I close my eyes
Beneath this sky of power lines
And let me see us clearly
take me home

Kingdom come, their will was done
And now the earth is far away
from any kind of heaven
Hallowed be these frozen fields
And every single one of us
Still left in want of mercy
Take us home

The Wilderness

I know what You’re saying, but I can’t hear You saying it.

I can’t hear You because You aren’t alone in Your spot. It’s like I keep a spot open next to You to put whoever or whatever in there with You. You let me fall down to show me how far down You were on my list. You are silent when somebody else is taking Your place. You seem distant when I don’t spend time with You. You want and need to be glorified and I don’t even know what that means, but please take what I have. Take my small desire to love You with everything. It’s not as big as I want it to be, but it’s what I have to give.

“Therefore I will hedge up her way with thorns, and I will build a wall against her, so that she cannot find her paths.
She shall pursue her lovers but not overtake them, and she shall seek them but shall not find them.
Then she shall say, ‘I will go and return to my first husband, for it was better for me then than now.’
And she did not know that it was I who gave he the grain, the wine, and the oil, and who lavished on her silver and gold which they used for Baal.
Therefore I will take back my grain in its time, and my wine in its season, and I will take away my wool and my flax, which were to cover her nakedness.
Now I will uncover her lewdness in the sight of her lovers, and no one shall rescue her out of my hand.
And I will put an end to all her mirth, her feasts, her new moons, he Sabbaths, and all her appointed feasts.
And I will lay waste her vines and her fig trees, of which she said, ‘These are my wages, which my lovers have given me.’ I will make them a forest, and the beasts of the field shall devour them.
And I will punish her for the feast of days of the Baals when she burned her offerings to them and adorned herself with her ring and jewelry, and went after her lovers and forgot me, declares the Lord.
Therefore, behold, I will allure her, and bring her into the wilderness, and speak tenderly to her.
And there I will give her her vineyards and make the Valley of Anchor a door of hope. And there she shall answer as in the days of her youth, as at the time when she came out of the land of Egypt.
And in the day, declares the Lord, you will all me ‘My Husband,” and no longer will you call me “My Baal.” For I will remove the names of the Baals from her mouth, and they shall be remembered by name no more. And I will make for them a covenant on that day with the beasts of the field, the birds of the heavens, and the creeping things of the ground. And I will abolish the bow, the sword, and war from the lands, and I will make you lie down in safety. And I will betroth you to me forever. I will betroth you to me in righteousness and in justice, in steadfast love and in mercy. I will betroth you to me in faithfulness. And you shall know the Lord.
And in that day I will answer, declares the Lord, I will answer the heavens, and they shall answer the earth,
And the earth shall answer the grain, the wine, and the oil, and they shall answer Jezreel, and I will sow her for myself in the land. And I will have mercy on No Mercy, and I will say to Not My People, ‘You are my people’; and he shall say, ‘You are my God.’”
Hosea 2:6-23

I’m alone here. There is not one person I find comfort in. You showed me that today. I’ve been feeling alone for a while now, but now I think I know what You’re trying to show me, I just wish I could hear You saying it.

You need to be the only one.

I have no idea how to do that. You break me down and all I have is You, but as soon as I’m ok I go back to finding others to share Your spot. I blame You for not being as present because I don’t know who else to blame. God, make You first. I cannot do it. With everything in me right now I don’t have enough strength to put You up there and keep You there. My spirit is willing, but my flesh is so weak. Please keep me in the wilderness. Please God. I have no hope for the future. Please be my hope. The curse of doubt plagues me. Have mercy on me please. You have shown me nothing but mercy. Heal this broken heart.

Reaching

Brokenness is home for me. I am finding comfort in being completely desperate for God. Peace is foreign and terrifying. The fear of apathy and boredom scares me. Every part of me wants to be a new person, but I have this fear that is building a wall in front of me that I can’t figure out. It’s almost like there is already a wall blocking me from figuring this thing out. I feel like I’m reaching for truth and understanding and just not finding anything to grab a hold of. I’m finally at a point where I can live life and not be an emotional wreck all the time. I asked for that, but it makes me so scared that because the emotions have worn off (just a little bit, they are still there sometimes) I will just fall back into what I used to be– reaching and never finding, but giving up because it’s too hard. I can’t do that. I don’t want to do that, but I am so weak underneath everything that I can’t even trust myself. So I must trust in God, but it is so incredibly difficult. It’s even hard to talk about because it is so close to home. I mention trusting God and I feel like I’m being stabbed.

Lord, help me. I am desperate for your truth. I feel completely alone and I can’t even feel You. Unite my heart to fear your name. Gladden the soul of your servant. Make me to know your ways. Help me understand or at least trust that You understand.

Compilations

Every time I blog it takes a lot out of me. There’s a song that comes to mind that says “if I get it all down on paper it’s no longer inside of me threatening the life it belongs to and I feel like I’m naked in front of a crowd cuz these words are my diary screamin out loud and I know that you’ll use them however you want to”. That describes it almost perfectly. It’s finally mostly out of me and just sitting there on my computer screen. It feels good to be off my chest, but all of a sudden brings a shower of insecurity, not for fear of what others think, but it scares me to see that what I write sometimes is true. True enough for me to agree with myself after I write it.

Whenever I feel so incredibly broken and useless and depressed and vulnerable I always seem to have the best music surrounding me. That’s a good thing I guess.

I’ve been thinking about this for a while and it kind of freaks me out when I think about it: I feel like it sounds terribly masochistic to say, but there’s some aspect of pain that I like/enjoy. I’m not saying I just welcome pain and suffering with open arms and am full of joy and butterflies when it comes, but when I’m so broken that I can’t stand up I feel this weird feeling of enjoyment. Maybe enjoyment is not the right word. Maybe I just like feeling and am glad that I’m not numb to feeling. When I seem to be ok it’s almost like brokenness calls to me. Like it’s signaling for me to come back to it. Like I’m not done with it. Those couple of days in a row that I seem to be ok, I’ve been realizing, I still am broken down to the core. It’s not like I’m putting on a face (I guess sometimes I do, but not a whole lot) I really am happy, but underneath everything, even while being truly joyful, I still am the same broken little girl. And broken to the very center of who I am. And how do I know that you ask? Because I have never been so changed in my life and wouldn’t change a thing. This life brings pain. A lot of it. Pain while I’m writing this even. There is only one thing that we people can hold onto: hope that there is more. We are so stuck. No one knows happiness in this world. No one finds contentment or at least true contentment. People ignore the call for more in life and learn to settle for what they don’t want or spend there lives searching for something more.
I found it.
I found what brings true joy and true healing. But it is the hardest thing you will ever do. I’m serious. You have to believe me. I’m begging you to believe me because if you don’t believe me you will live your life like every other Christian who says Praise the Lord on Sundays and is ignoring the pain that this life brings, and who is ultimately bringing more pain into their own lives and others’. By acting like there is no problem and life is just peachy keen all the time is a lie. Please stop lying. If you want to know how bad lying like that to yourself and others effects you, talk to me and I will tell you how bad of a pit I was in due to lying to myself and the result of other people’s lies. And yet God saved that wretched sinner.

I feel like someone is asking themselves why I am so emotional and crazy and keep talking about this brokenness. Like maybe they think I’m just going through a hard time right now and need somewhere to vent. And I shouldn’t be like this. I shouldn’t be so deep and emotional about everything. Well I will tell you that yes things are tough right now in my own head and outside, but like I said earlier I wouldn’t change it for anything. I am so sick of lying and saying everything is fine and pretending to not care when I’m hurt. We are fragile people who hurt. And I am making a commitment to live my life acknowledging pain because if I don’t, things will only get worse for everybody. I have to stop ignoring the pain and reprimanding myself for having feelings. Yes I am an emotional girl, but it is more important to me to please God than to comply to what you (or Christians) thing I should I be. God has me where He wants me right now and that is sitting here in pain. Hurting. It is no fun. I kinda feel like I might be one of the most qualified people to tell you that. Maybe that’s just because I’m experiencing it, but I definitely know what pain feels like. At least this kind of pain. But no matter how much it hurts and how cliché this is, God is with me in this pain. I feel Him comforting me. I feel Him working and making progress and revealing sin and sitting here hurting and bringing things to mind. Please don’t try to tell me that I shouldn’t be like this and God wants a joyful heart and doesn’t want me to be depressed all the time. I AM joyful! So joyful! And it’s true joy. And you’re wrong. I know He wants me here. He wants me on my face at His feet, crying because I’m scared of my sin, trembling from feeling unworthy, sitting in loneliness, brain spinning from anxiety, angry at myself for the past and continual struggling. He wants me like that because then, and only then do I truly know what feeling completely hopeless and broken down means. Only then, when I have nothing left, nothing or no one to live for, can’t even live in my own head, will He be the only one left. And that’s when, as counterproductive as it sounds, He heals. It’s more like breaking, resetting, and then watching the broken bones grow together into something more functional and amazing that before.

“Let the bones that you have broken rejoice” oh Lord. Keep going despite my complaining God. Thank you Lord for giving me this joy that I don’t even know what to do with. This joy that is sometimes hidden by sorrow and grief, but is at the root of my being. This joy is not some cheap momentary feeling, and it definitely wasn’t a cheap sacrifice. Thank you Jesus. Please help me stay strong despite the feelings of loneliness and insecurity. Let your light and peace come and dwell inside my body. God, you know that I feel alone. Thank you for just knowing. For being that powerful that you just know things like that. Please help me, for I am so shallow and weak. “O Lord, open my lips, and my mouth will declare your praise”.



I was right. Now I feel empty and scared.

heavy

Every aspect of my life for the past few months has been going through dramatic change. It's an overhaul of my entire system. Everything is changing. And it hurts. The way I've gotten used to thinking and the habits I've created for myself are slowly being stripped away from me. It's the only thing I want, but the hardest thing I could have ever asked for. I feel like God's panning for gold. The shame and regret is slowly fading away. The sting of realizing my faults is becoming less painful and more full of something with weight to it. Before it was an empty and airy sting and now it's a heavy, fulfilling peace. You know when you're cold and you get a tiny little cut or bump your hand on something and it hurts like 10 times worse than if you weren't cold? It only hurts that bad because you're cold. It's really not that bad. This terrible pain was empty. Not to say that what caused the pain wasn't that intense, but that there was no real weight of it. The shame doesn't weigh very much. The peace weighs a lot more. (Just try to pretend the analogy works....i tried ok?) Back to my other awesome analogy– The stuff that's left in God's super magic gold pan is much heavier. Actually, I just found out that gold weighs 19 times more than water...so there. Anyways... what's left, as the shame and sinful wants and wrong thinking and confusion slowly gets sifted out, is the heavy nuggets of clarity and understanding of grace and solid truth. The weight of grace feels so much better than the fake weight of shame.

A paradox

Processing comes through pain. Understanding seems to come from places of confusion and weakness. What a crazy paradox. Knowledge, wisdom, and understanding come from confusion, disorder, and chaos within my head.

Crazy.

Thank you for understanding. Thank you for putting up with my complaining when all you're trying to do is help me understand things more. Thank you for being bigger than I think You are. Thank you for the gospel and laying our sins upon Your Son so that we may live. Thank you for showing me sin. Thank you for faithfully working within me.

A loss.

Weird feeling- missing my therapist. I feel slightly pathetic for missing this person I know nothing about, but she does know a lot about me. I will be leaving for summer, but she is moving to another place in July so I wont be able to continue therapy with her when I get back. I really connected with her and felt heard by her. I have shared more with her than I have with everyone else combined. She has really helped me understand what I'm feeling and how I'm processing life. And now she's just out there somewhere in the sea of people in the world, knowing the most intimate details of my thinking, just going on with life like everyone else. I feel exposed. I feel opened up and the person trying to sew me back up is leaving me. That one person who would just listen and help me clarify and not tell me how I should be thinking (I do that enough myself), but be there for me to just tell absolutely everything to is gone now. I feel like I'm mourning a loss.

There's my emo rant for this evening.

Jars Of Clay--Frail

Convinced of my deception
I've always been a fool
I fear this love reaction
Just like you said I would

A rose could never lie
About the love it brings
And I could never promise
To be any of those things

If I was not so weak
If I was not so cold
If I was not so scared of being broken
Growing old
I would be...
I would be...
I would be...

Blessed are the shallow
Depth they'll never find
Seems to be some comfort
In rooms I try to hide

Exposed beyond the shadows
You take the cup from me
Your dirt removes my blindness
Your pain becomes my peace

If I was not so weak
If I was not so cold
If I was not so scared of being broken
Growing old
I would be...
I would be...
I would be...

...frail



I fear this love reaction. I can't understand why.

Wait child

When am I ready? As I said last post, I feel like a child. Well right now I really feel like a child because I'm getting really excited and eager to go do something crazy for the Lord, but there are so many questions and conflicting ideas in my head about it. So let me try to process... you're welcome to join me if you'd like. Just a fair warning– this is gonna be messy.

I am called to serve the Lord which quite possibly means in another country. He has given me a passion for culture and learning about different countries. I have a strong desire to explore the world, and lately I have been thinking a lot about India. God has called His children to go to the ends of the earth and proclaim His name. I want to do that. I want to help meet people's needs both spiritually and physically. I want to come to people and share the love of Christ with them, help them find a job, give them food, help them build a church, disciple them, watch their kids for them, invest in their lives.

But.... I'm only 19 years old. I've only just recently started to really follow God with every part of me. Am I ready? Shouldn't I wait until I have a little more experience in this whole following God completely thing? I'm too weak. I couldn't handle it.

But... God's ways are not my ways. He knows when is best. And when will I ever been completely ready anyways? And what better time to go than now in college? Who says I can't go? Who says I shouldn't even consider praying about it and possibly pursuing it? Who says God can't use me? Who says God wont use me?

But... I feel like I'm just an excited kid who has no idea what she's getting herself into. I'm just all excited about doing something for God, but I'm gonna feel like I got hit by a truck when reality hits.

But... If I don't do something now, I'm just gonna keep telling myself that I'm not ready and never actually do anything. What a better time than this? I don't want to just wait until I'm so critical that I'll never do anything. God has put this in my life and these desires in my heart for a purpose.

But... Maybe God doesn't want to use me in the mission field. Maybe He has me here. Maybe this is an exercise in self-control and listening to God.

Exactly, Danica.

Oh...

I will wait. I will seek God. I will eagerly anticipate His voice.

I will wait for You. Please be blatantly obvious with me because I'm not very good at picking up subtle cues. Bring clarity and rest to my mind. I want to follow You and do what You want me to do, but please help me not to worship what You'll have me do rather than worship You. I want to seek You and then obey out of that, not the other way around. But I will obey You. You are faithful. "Therefore, if anyone cleanses himself from what is dishonorable, he will be a vessel for honorable use, set apart as holy, useful to the master of the house, ready for every good work." 2 Timothy 2:21. God You have saved me from what is dishonorable and I am set apart as holy. Use me Lord. Send me Lord!
Your kingdom come. Your will be done.

A break from the madness

Well I am dreadfully tired of writing my 8-page history paper on Jane Addams so I'm gonna take break and share something I've been thinking about lately and was reminded of this morning. If I sound funny, it's cuz I'm in essay writing mode so excuse my funny writing.

I recently turned another year older and that question that you get asked by your grandparents has been following me a lot lately. Do you feel a year older? No. I don't actually. I feel younger. I feel like a child. I am a child. Sure, I feel physically like a young adult and don't have the energy of child, but I have a new energy and audacity these past few months. In some ways I feel like I've been forced to grow up, but in other ways it's as if my mental aging reversed and I am a child again. In the past I've built myself up to thinking I was "spiritually" a lot older than I am. I completely convinced myself that I was one of the mature ones, never doing anything bad and always following God with every part of my life. I used my positions and accomplishments to boost my confidence and pride in myself and trained myself to think that way–as if I was better than my peers. That mindset has affected so many areas of my life and, although I still struggle with it, recognizing that I was lying to myself has forced me to see who I really am. And I don't really like who I really am and who I've made myself to be. I kinda want to start over. God said yes.

Actually He initiated it. I guess recognizing, or Him making me recognize, that I am but a child is the first step to growth. Maybe this is the only way to truly grow. By acknowledging my junk and sin and accepting reality. One of my professors said, "Reality is what you run into when what you believe is false." I believed falsely and now I have opportunity to seek truth. And I am liberated by truth. And this is point in my blog where I stand up in the middle of campus and yell "I'M FREE!!!"

Deliver

Heavenly Father
You always amaze me
Let your kingdom come
In my world and in my life
You give me the food I need
To live through the day
And forgive me as I forgive
The people that wronged me
Lead me far from temptation
Deliver me from the evil one

I look out the window
The birds are composing
Not a note is out of tune
Or out of place
I look at the meadow
And stare at the flowers
Better dressed than any girl
On her wedding day

So why do I worry?
Why do I freak out?
God knows what I need
You know what I need

Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong

The kingdom of the heavens
Is now advancing
Invade my heart
Invade this broken town
The kingdom of the heavens
Is buried treasure
Will you sell yourself
To buy the one you've found?

Two things you told me
That you are strong
And you love me
Yes, you love me

Our God in heaven
Hallowed be
Thy name above all names
Your kingdom come
Your will be done
On earth as it is in heaven
Give us today our daily bread
Forgive us wicked sinners
Lead us far away from our vices
And deliver us from these prisons


Deliver me from this prison.

"Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope is God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God."
Psalm 42:5

Loneliness

I am a human. I need people around me. I was made for living in community with others.

I am an introvert. I enjoy spending time alone. I was made to get my energy from being alone.

Balance?


When is it to the point of hanging out with people because you need them and hanging out with people because you need them? (I understand that that sentence doesn't make any sense). When am I hanging out with people because I feel that I need to hang out with them or have their approval or be with them constantly? And when is hanging out with them a healthy expression of living in community where hanging out is beneficial, but not absolutely necessary with that person?

I can't seem to find balance and am lonely. I don't want people to just feel sorry for me, that's not why I'm writing this. I'm writing because I need to just sit and type it all out and maybe someone will have some good advice or maybe just some clear words because there isn't even one speck of clarity in my head right now.

Faithful

Thank you for being so crazy faithful all the time. Thank you for answering my prayers and showing me how to love You more. Thank you for beautiful days. Thank you that we need the rest Your provide and can go sit outside and just be and live in Your creation. Thank you for having control. Thank you for grace and working with me even when I fail You. Thank you for never changing and loving me the same all the time. Thank you for life and that every detail of blessing is thought out and given to me because You love me. Thank you for opportunity and influence. Thank you for being so thoughtful in how You show me Your love. Thank you for Your goodness and that You are both just and merciful. Thank you for choosing me.

Jon Foreman- Equally Skilled

Certainty in God, Uncertainty in Life

This is probably super illegal, but we're all gonna have to deal with it because this is so good.


This from My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers

April 29

"Our natural inclination is to be so precise— trying always to forecast accurately what will happen next— that we look upon uncertainty as a bad thing. We think that we must reach some predetermined goal, but that is not the nature of the spiritual life. The nature of the spiritual life is that we are certain in our uncertainty. Consequently, we do not put down roots. Our common sense says, “Well, what if I were in that circumstance?” We cannot presume to see ourselves in any circumstance in which we have never been.

Certainty is the mark of the commonsense life— gracious uncertainty is the mark of the spiritual life. To be certain of God means that we are uncertain in all our ways, not knowing what tomorrow may bring. This is generally expressed with a sigh of sadness, but it should be an expression of breathless expectation. We are uncertain of the next step, but we are certain of God. As soon as we abandon ourselves to God and do the task He has placed closest to us, He begins to fill our lives with surprises. When we become simply a promoter or a defender of a particular belief, something within us dies. That is not believing God — it is only believing our belief about Him. Jesus said, “. . . unless you . . . become as little children . . .” (Matthew 18:3 ). The spiritual life is the life of a child. We are not uncertain of God, just uncertain of what He is going to do next. If our certainty is only in our beliefs, we develop a sense of self-righteousness, become overly critical, and are limited by the view that our beliefs are complete and settled. But when we have the right relationship with God, life is full of spontaneous, joyful uncertainty and expectancy. Jesus said, “. . . believe also in Me” (John 14:1 ), not, “Believe certain things about Me”. Leave everything to Him and it will be gloriously and graciously uncertain how He will come in— but you can be certain that He will come. Remain faithful to Him."

1 John 3:2 "Beloved, we are God's children now and what we will be has not yet appeared; but we know that when he appears we shall be like him, because we shall see him as he is."

I don't want to just believe my beliefs about Him. I do feel "limited by the view that our beliefs are complete and settled". It's like I know they're not, but I don't live like I know that. I constantly try to figure out what God's next move is. I hear testimonies and see what God did in their lives and wonder how He's going to do the same exact thing in my life. I try to plan out God's next strategic move for me. It's funny that I even think that I'm a better planner than God. Maybe I do believe He's a better planner, but I want to know what He's doing and when. I want to be in control. But I've already proven to myself that I can't control anything. I can't control my emotions, struggles with sin, or even my thoughts alone. I can't plan anything because I don't have control over myself. I don't know His plan so it scares me when I don't know what's going on. He has shown me countless times, without me knowing it, that He has control. I think I believe that He has the control and I know He works everything out for the good of those who love Him, but it's the process that's hard for me. I'm a destination/goal person. I want to reach the goal and then say good job everyone let's go home. Apparently life is not like that. That's a fun one to learn–that I'm going to be in a process my entire life. I guess it seems weird that I'm all of a sudden figuring this out, but I have a feeling that I'm going to take a long time for me to accept that....great! More processing! So if God outplans me all the time and His ideas are so much better for me than mine are, why is it so hard to trust that it's okay and actually good to be uncertain?

Thank you for outplanning me. Thank you for being so intelligent that there is no way I could figure out your ways. Thank you for Your grace and that You remain patient with me as I try to figure out (there I go again) how to stop trying to figure out. Help me to come to terms with reality–that I don's know Your ways and have control. You have the control Father. Please continue to give me a bigger view of You and a smaller view of myself. Thank you for showing me new things every day and giving me grace in my attempt to understand You. Thank you that You are too big to understand. That's comforting. Thank you for knowing what's best for me and for Your people.

We just wanna love you

I feel like I'm starting over. I've been given a second chance at this whole loving Jesus thing and I get to start from scratch. I'm learning the fundamental truths about loving Jesus firsthand, not just from a Bible study or somebody telling me about it. I am very grateful for my background in the church, but it is amazing to see God working in my life and showing me things that I've heard a thousand times, but never really experienced. I'm learning to love by God's personal teaching, not from another person just telling me what it means to love. I'm getting understand a tiny part of God's love for me, His willingness to personally interact with me to show me about Himself.

I just wanna love You. I don't really know how, but thank you for teaching me. And thank you for humbling me. Please don't stop.

I am not my own

His grace covers more than I could imagine. His blood paid for the people who are sinning right now. His blood covers the people who are blinded by sin and weathered from years of trying to do things their own way. He showed and is showing His grace to people who have fallen away from their focus and purpose. The power of the cross is greater than I could ever think. What power to be able to completely save a person from death and lead them to life.

Why do I assume that God cannot save His own people? Why don't I think that the power of His death and resurrection is enough to give Him my complete trust? Why do I think that He has somehow just forgotten about the church as a whole and needs me to fix everything? Why do I think that I have more power to change the church than He does? Do I seriously think God has forgotten or is choosing to not act or help the church refocus? Am I really that doubtful that God will take care of others like He has for me? Am I so shallow that I feel that if I don't see results immediately, I get discouraged and give up on the church? Am I such a control freak that if I'm not directly involved in any changes that go on in the church as a whole, I am disappointed that God's not using me? Seriously Danica?


I am not in charge of fixing everything.

I do not have to be involved in every part of everything.

I am not solely responsible for the fate of the church.

God will not abandon His church.

God gives wisdom to the church.

The Holy Spirit leads church leaders.


God is so much bigger than I think He is. He has watched His people go from loving Him to hating Him to worshiping Him and back to ignoring Him over and over again throughout history. God is not surprised when people lose focus on Him. He's seen it before and knows that we are naturally like distracted children, who turn to focus on anything new and shiny. God's grace is over that. He knows that we are but dust. He knows my passions, desires, and habits more than I do. He loves those in me because He made them. He is in the process of turning those wants and desires in my life toward Him. He is pulling me closer to Him. He is returning to me as I return to Him. He is returning to His church as they return to Him. He is drawing them near to Himself and working in people's hearts to return to their first love. He is doing that as He wills. He loves His church and promises to work for the good of those who love Him. Truly following Christ comes from the Holy Spirit's work in one's life. Nothing I say can save anyone. That's not saying that we do not have influence and shouldn't be involved in people's lives, but redemption is a work from Jesus. God is in charge. God is actively pursuing His children and is directly involved in His church, even when I don't necessarily see Him. It is not my job to see or supervise God's work. God works so much more intricately than I think. He is constantly at work within His people. We are His people. He will not abandon us. We are not our own. I am not my own. He has given me life now I live my life for Him. I live my life to seek Him first. He will take care of His church.


"...You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God..."
1 Corinthians 6:19-20


I am not my own. Thank you for saving me. Thank you for loving me so much and forgiving me for thinking that I could help the church alone. Thank you for showing me that You are the One in charge of the Sun rising and setting everyday, and that You are the One who keeps the animals fed and the trees growing, and that You maintain life on this planet everyday. Thank you for showing me Your power in my life. I want a bigger view of You in my life and a smaller view of myself. I don't want to be so zoomed in on my own problems and what I perceive as things that need to be changed. You are working within us to will and to work for Your pleasure. I trust You in that. I am not my own. Thank you for choosing me to be Yours.

**Note: This is, as the subtitle of my blog says, just me spilling out my thoughts. I love when people read them, but please consider that this is just what's going on in my head. It's not necessarily right, it's just me processing what I'm learning or trying to make sense of. I would love comments if you have them, but please don't think I'm directing this at anyone or any church. I am talking about the church as a whole.**

Tim Hughes - God Of Justice

God of Justice, Saviour to all
Came to rescue the weak and the poor
Chose to serve and not be served

Jesus, You have called us
Freely we've received
Now freely we will give

We must go live to feed the hungry
Stand beside the broken
We must go
Stepping forward keep us from just singing
Move us into action
We must go

To act justly everyday
Loving mercy in everyway
Walking humbly before You God

You have shown us, what You require
Freely we've received
Now freely we will give

Fill us up and send us out
Fill us up and send us out
Fill us up and send us out Lord

Running

I hate running more than anything on the planet.

Just so everybody knows it.

Yesterday, after my run (Romans 7:19), I was walking back feeling refreshed and in a better mood and it occurred to me that my body was made to run. God created our bodies to move and He gave them the ability to run, and by choosing not to exercise that gift because of laziness, I am not honoring God with my body. I worship by using my body for what it was created to do.

Exercise has been a release for me. I don't have to think. My mind just shuts down for a while and I can let my body just move on its own (or with the help of a moving belt underneath).


The wind blows for You
the grass is green for You
the clouds move for You
the earth spins for You
my body moves for You
my mind thinks for You.

I've never been more sure of this than now.

Why don't we love? Why do we see people suffering and even while we have the capacity to help or be of comfort, we don't? Even when we see people walking around in pain everywhere? Why don't we come along side them and care for them through their troubles? Why do we allow people to commit suicide or lose hope in life itself? Why do we let wounds grow worse instead of heal? Why don't we, with all our Bible study and years of church going, simply be an ear to listen to people who are suffering in their own heads? Why don't we, with all our counseling experience and leadership training, sit down with people who have no hope in life? Why don't we, with all the service projects we've done and hours of volunteering we've logged, even smile at the person who has nothing? Why do we meet together in our huge auditoriums and fancy buildings while people sleep on the streets in the cold? Why do we complain about worship styles and the decorating of the building when people haven't heard about the reason we meet in the first place? Why are we okay with people dying alone with no hope at all while we sit in our comfy chairs talking about how to manage our finances–the same finances that we use to make us more comfortable? Why are we okay with letting our world go down in flames while we protect our wallets with our lives? Why do we let people live their lives in search for empty glory when we're the ones who are supposed to be living our lives in light of the hope we've been given? Have we forgotten? Have we forgotten this grace that we've been given? The grace that saved us from death? Has it really had so little impact on our lives that we don't share the story of our redemption? Then why does it even matter? Why even pretend then? Why do we let the passion of this amazing grace we've been given die out in our hearts and turn into robots who come to church in hopes of a short sermon and then leave to go back to our unchanged lives? Do you think there is a small hope that maybe someday we will feel God's presence like we did when we first chose to follow Him? Do we still desire God or are we past that point? Have we forgotten how to love Him? Have we resorted to church attendance and number of Bible studies to show that we have it all together? Do we really have it all together? Where's the brokenness in our lives? Where's the compassion? Where's the love? How come all that nonbelievers say about the church is that we're hypocritical, judgmental, old fashioned, unloving, fake people who could care less about anyone else? Is there truth to that? What have we done to get ourselves here–a place where the world hates us because of our actions or lack thereof? Why don't we love those who are trapped in an endless cycle of sin and its consequences? Why don't we even see that people are hurting and want God more than anything? Why don't we spend even a minute of our time out of our lives to be what we were made to be? Are the things that take up our time so important that we can watch people die when we have the knowledge of the only thing that will save them? Are we that heartless? Do our lives mean so much to us that we can't lose anything for the gain of others? Why are we so consumed with ourselves and our needs that we are blinded to the needs of others? Why does the world sometimes do a better job of taking care of the homeless, the poor, the sick, and the weak? Why don't we move when the same Spirit we ask to fill us prompts us to care for the needy? Why do we refuse the opportunity to do good? Why aren't we sensitive to the needs of others? Why have we allowed ourselves to be so self-absorbed that we are completely ignorant and blinded to the brokenhearted people all around us?

I'm sorry. I do not love as You have loved me. You have saved me, but I act as if I'm too busy to love Your children and show them the kindness You have shown me. I do not deserve to be loved that way You love me. I've never been more sure of this than now. Thank you for loving me and never stopping. Thank you for Your grace and that You have not given up on me and You have not given up on Your people.

"In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only Son into the world, so that we might live through him. In this love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loves us, we also ought to love one another." 1 John 4:9-11

A space for clarity

Figured if I was gonna be excited about something I'd share it. I'll share my thoughts, favorite music, and links here to anyone who cares to listen or read.

to start things off....a new favorite band

Ambulance by Eisley